


so it's not about me now

by Trialia



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anger, Anger Management, F/F, Female Friendship, Friendship, Gen, Internalized Misogyny, Mild Language, Other, Passive-aggression, Poetry, Sexist Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 16:04:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15122996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trialia/pseuds/Trialia
Summary: An odd brief argument of a poem from a dream.





	so it's not about me now

**Author's Note:**

> I don't think I ever had a "frenemy" quite like her. Wrote this half-awake in February & revised later. Content warning for internalised misogyny with associated language. (It's sort of here temporarily as I haven't got access to my own archive just now, so please don't report me or delete it for being original work, as I can't really post it anywhere else at the moment, much as Id like to.)

(you dirty fucking cow) she says  
in that sharp snide tone she has  
and she's suddenly standing on the balcony  
looking at me  
like she's ready to be the angry one again  
when she knew i wasn't prepared for it.  
when she knew i was expecting gentle  
from my closest friend:  
gentle, calm, kind,  
after the day from hell.

sometimes i think she does this on purpose  
to make everyone else look bad  
so she can be the injured one  
when she lets slip our retaliations without context  
and/then the magnanimous one  
when she chooses to forgive us  
for things she provoked us into doing  
on purpose every time.

she does it when she knows we are vulnerable. provokable.  
is that a word?  
but so very defensive.  
when she knows i (we)  
have no more energy to be nice  
if she will not be nice to me (us) either.  
she knows it.  
she does know it.  
she uses it  
and i don't want my emotions to be used like that.

i am tired _tired_ TIRED  
of being provoked.  
of being manipulated.  
of being made use of.  
she used to be my best friend in all the world.  
i'm not sure i even know who she is any more.  
i thought  
we would be best friends forever.  
just like the stories—

only maybe she had other plans,  
and as always i am last to know.

is this what she wanted all along?  
is it what she wants now?  
is this even about me  
tangentially?  
peripherally?  
minimally (penta-syllabically?)  
if only i knew.  
if ever i knew—  
  
but i can't, didn't, don't.


End file.
